Truth Bomb by OVD : What it's like to be me

 Hey Everyone,

  I hope you all are doing well. My day has been usual... at 4 am it felt like someone hit my knee with a sledge hammer ...and then set my leg on fire. Just another Day of Gulf War Syndrome(GWS) pain. The pain was bad enough to keep me up. I smoked a few joints but that didn't help much. I try to wait until 4 pm to take the pot cookies or pain pills. It's a challenge to say the least. I don't have anyone visit very often and when they do it's usually fast...drop something off and leave type visits. I get it. You all have your own lives to live. It's just extremely lonely for me. 

  The rest of my day is trying to balance pain so I can get a few things done around the house. The pain gets so bad it's hard to even watch a show or read a book so I spend most of it laying there staring at the ceiling. At 4pm I take my pot cookies and it picks my mood up and makes me very chatty. But since no ones around I end up talking to myself. This is when I watch most movies or shows as the quality isn't very good(shows) so the pot cookies make it so I can tolerate the bad/lazy writing of most current shows. 

  I try to go to bed between 9pm and 11pm but usually have to get up a few times at night due to pain. I try to muffle my screams so I don't wake or bother my neighbors or room mate. 

  The I wake up in massive pain and my day starts again. 

It's been like this for about 10 years now. I have very little to look forward too. There is no love in my life nor will there be any, most likely. There is little fun either as I'm trapped and alone. I tried writing this blog so people would know what's going on with me and the world from my perspective and interact. But this last month my numbers have toppled again so I don't know how much longer I'll bother writing now...what's the point. 

  My Burning man friends have showed up less and less over the years. Dustfish(the last group I camped with at BM) never calls or visits. It's like I'm already dead to them. When I call them...they usually don't answer or quick conversations of promises to visit that never happen. I've stopped trying. Most of my friends from the Marines are dead...I have a few veteran friends online...but only a few. I have two local friends that help run errands with me a few times a month...which would be the highlight of my month except these runs are super painful for me. 

   I've been dealing with GWS for 30+ years now and it's gotten worse and worse. My ex ended up doing drugs and we were divorced. A few years later my daughter was killed in one of those drug deals. So I have no family or children. Even my familiar Underfoot died of cancer last year and one of my closet friends that visited me regularly Sam Begler  was also taken by cancer July 4th. 

  So this is where I find myself...alone and in pain...every minute of everyday. I must be #1(see photo)

-Otto Von Danger

SGT/USMC and Artist at Large 

Semper Fidelis 




Comments

  1. Otto Von DangerSeptember 30, 2021 at 7:34 AM

    How do I know I'm #1? because one is the loneliest number that you'll ever see.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownSeptember 30, 2021 at 2:23 PM

    Oh Otto, I knew you had said your daughter had died, but I had no idea, that's a pain I just can't imagine 💔 it's also fd up when we can't do the things we used to and people drop out of our lives because of it, this I know all too well. But hence we go on, hang in and on...do you need anything, how's the cat treats? Just let me know Maria

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Otto Von DangerSeptember 30, 2021 at 3:06 PM

      Besides pain and loneliness I'm doing good. Even have food to eat at the end of the month...woot!!!

      Delete

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